Perceptions of rejection

There are many kinds of rejection,  both real and imagined,  that can seriously damage your self esteem and cause you to view yourself from a false reality.

The first thing to understand in dealing with rejection is that you have no control over someone elses thoughts,  opinions or actions.  The only thing you control is your own response. So with that in mind,  here’s a few simple steps towards taking back your power.

1. Try and view the other person objectively,  without emotions involved.  What is going on in their life?  Did what they say really involve you or was it a reaction towards their own life.

2. Were drugs or alcohol involved?  Both can seriously affect the mood and behaviour of an individual.  For long term substance abusers,  often nothing matters more than taking the substance, money for more substance and getting more substance.  Its an obsessive cycle with no room left over for the feelings or needs of others.

3. Evaluate the situation impartially.  What were the factors involved?  How did you contribute to the exchange? If you had done or said something differently would the outcome have been the same?

If the answer is Yes,  the situation is what it is,  then you need to decide how you are going to move forward.  You could accept it and give it no more thought or alternatively you could get your thoughts out,  either on paper or by imagining the other person is there.  Since they will never know what you think.  Dont hold back,  let it all out,  say all the things that have been going round in your head.

Once you’re done,  take several deep breaths and let it go.  Don’t give anyone the power to ruin your life.  The only rejection worth keeping is the one where you reject negative feelings and embrace the positive.

Reflections on love

I write about love all the time but how often do any of us have time to stop and reflect and be grateful for the relationships in our lives.
I am amazingly lucky to have found my perfect match. He is far beyond anything I could have imagined, his finest quality is his ability to love without reservation. That’s not something many people including myself can do. I have a multitude of conditions tied to my own ability to give love, including attitude, appearance and behaviour. Strangely enough those conditions don’t extend to my children. With them i find it easy to love unconditionally. Unlike my relationship with my partner it doesn’t matter what they say or do my love remains undiminished.
The same can be said for my pets. My three puppies are going through a seriously destructive phase. Including the destruction of two sofas, miles of wallpaper, curtains, shoes, not to mention wires, toys and a multitude of other stolen items but none of it matters, my love for them remains unaltered.
Which I why I wonder why relationships between men and women can’t be expressed in the same way. Why do we quit when things aren’t perfect? Why do we expect so much more from a partnership than any other relationship in our life?
I believe the answer is because we can. Literature and movies have produced the idea of a perfect relationship which we’re all now endlessly searching for, whilst callously disguarding anyone who doesn’t match up to our own idea of perfection. Is this a bad thing? I’m not all together sure, but I do wonder if we we’re able to love a partner with the same unconditional love as a child, would it be easier to find and keep that perfect love?

No gaurentees

img_20150906_154908.jpgWe are all lead to believe that parents automatically feel an overwhelming sense of love and responsibility for their offspring.  However this is simply not true.  Throughout the world there are multiple examples,  both human and animal,  of parents who feel nothing at all towards their offspring.  So what happens if you’re the recipient of this lack of maternal or paternal care?

It is perfectly normal to feel a sense of rejection,  to be filled with insecurities,  that you are in some way lacking.  Many people’s whole lives are damaged by a lack of parental concern,  but it’s time to take your life back.

1. Try to view yourself as a seperate entity from your parent.

2. Examine who they are as a person. Are they self envolved?  Emotionally damaged? Drug or alcohol dependant?  Emotionally retarded?  There could be a million reasons for their behaviour,  once you start to critically evaluate the situation you will begin to understand that it is all about them and nothing to do with you.

3. Build up your self confidence in who you are as an individual.

4. Make a list of your own qualities.  If you find it difficult to do ask someone you trust to help.

5. This is the most important point,  believe you are worthy of love.  The most damaging aspect of careless parents is that the recipient believes they are worthless and subconciously gravitates towards people who treat them badly.  Which in turn reinforces the idea.

Unfortunately we cannot choose who our parents are,  but you can choose how much power their behaviour has on your future.  So today is your day,  take your power back.

 

Give people your time and attention this Christmas

Christmas can be an extremely busy time of year, especially for those with full time jobs and children. Dashing from Christmas shopping to numerous parties, plays and events is exhilarating, but Christmas isn’t like that for everyone. 

For a moment please pause and think of your own family and friends. How many of you only pop into see your parents for half an hour a few days before Christmas and leave all your presents there for them to distribute because you haven’t got the time.

Or wish a friend or colleague Merry Christmas knowing full well that they will be sat alone on Christmas day.

Christmas isn’t about presents or parties, it’s about sharing love and kindness with those around us. So this year please take the opportunity to do something really special. Forget about buying the million expensive presents your kids don’t really need and the guilt gifts you usually send to friends and relatives and instead invite them to your home and give them your time and attention. I can promise you it will be the one gift they will never forget. 

Don’t accept bad attitudes. – rudeness is just another form of abuse.

Pre social media bullying was limited to actually  face to face contact, but now thanks to the advances in technology it can invade every aspect of your life. Trolling has become a fashionable pass time that every bitter, twisted, dissatisfied with life, individual has taken to with undisguised glee. 

Thanks to the connection with like minded people they now believe they have the right to make nasty comments on every thought and image posted by anyone on social media.

Unfortunately since sites like Facebook choose not to intervene it’s down to you to deal with the problem. Should you accept the abuse and criticism ? Apsolutly not! You wouldn’t listen to a complete stranger being abusive in the street so don’t do it online. Press the block button, remove their comments , it’s your page and you don’t have to have any thing on it that doesn’t make you happy .

More importantly dismiss them from your mind and don’t allow them to upset you. No matter what hurtful things are written it’s not a reflection on you. It’s the direct result of some unpleasant person, with low self-esteem trying to make themselves feel better and more often than not the comments made towards you are how they feel about themselves. 

Bullying in all forms requires you to participate for it to be successful. Bullies only have the ability to hurt you if you give it to them, so don’t. Be honest with yourself, is everyone  going to like you? No. Will everyone like the way you look? No. Will everyone agree with what you have to say? No. Does it actually matter? Not in the slightest!

The only person who has to like you is you. So ignore the haters, don’t waste a second of your day on their bile and happy surfing.
 

How to measure love.

Over the years I’ve had this conversation with a worry number of people and it never stops amazing me how many people continue to drift into toxic or pointless relationships with partners who obviously don’t care.

Love is not about looks or money. It cannot be defined with empty works and false promises. It’s far more than grand gestures and expensive gifts. For long lasting love it’s all the little things that matter.

Wanting to spend time with that person, talking, laughing,crying, dreaming. Being interested in everything to do with their life just because it’s important to them. Offering your own strength when life is bad and they feel they have none of their own.

Sharing the good times and bad.  Trying to do just that little bit more than your share of the chores and bills to make their life a bit easier. Putting them first, without having to be asked . Telling them they look beautiful and meaning it, even when they’re having an off day.

They should be the centre of your world. The person you automatically want to share your thoughts with. The person you hurry home to. The one you think about when a special song comes on the radio. They’re the person that in your eyes no one else measures up to . The one you dream of growing old with.

If what you have is less than all that , then in my opinion it’s not enough  and your selling yourself short. The next time your partner is ignoring you, putting you down, staying out all night, just remember it’s not love no matter what pretty words they use because love is so much more.

Never give up on your children.

I am very lucky to be part of a large complicated family, made up from several relationships, with a mix of siblings and half siblings and step children. This experience, whilst often being very trying taught me one very valuable lesson. Under no circumstances do you ever give up on your children.

They are your choice and responsibility for a lifetime. Sometimes they can drive you crazy, sometimes they make dangerous, stupid decisions. Sometimes you could happily murder them, but ultimately you are the person they should be able to depend on. You’re the one safe haven available as they try to negotiate their way through the world. 

1. Always try to keep communication open. I personally believe in being honest with my children and being willing to discuss any subject. If they grow up being able to talk about anything, then hopefully when they have a problem they will feel able to tell you.

2. Be honest about what kind of person they are and love them anyway.

3. Accept their life choices are not necessarily the same as your.

4. Always be on their side. I am the first to tell my kids if I think they are in the wrong , but I never side against them . Ultimately right or wrong they’re mine.

5. Tell them you love them and that your proud of them . Everyone needs to know they’re wanted .

6. Enjoy them , they are your family .